Inside the Mind of the Socially Anxious
Feb. 27th, 2008 10:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nockergeekSometimes, I look at my journal, and I feel like it's pretty content-light. A lot of my friends post about things going on in their life, providing interesting observations and insights. Meanwhile, I tend to post infrequently at best, and a good number of those tend to either be memes or little blurbs about something I've noticed. I don't open up about myself very often, and I don't tend to talk with any sort of authority about topics of interest to me.
There's two reasons for this. The first, and more easily dealt-with, is that I suffer from Shiny Object Quick Movement Syndrome, something that I just made up. While not as crippling as real disorders like ADHD, SOQMS (pronounced sok-əms, like the robots) means I get easily distracted and constantly craving new kinds of input. It's why I'm a trivia whore, and why I have a stack of unfinished video games, and why I haven't yet renewed my WoW account (besides the threat of death bythe_z ). Fortunately, there's a simple solution - sit my ass down and focus on fewer things at once. It can be done, and sometimes the best treatment is to just revisit something after a couple of weeks and see if it still holds interest.
The second, and more insidious, reason is that I have some form of social anxiety. I'm hesitant to actually define it as any official doctor-diagnosed anxiety issue, because I don't think it's as paralyzing as that. Mine's more mild, as most of the time, it's a non-issue. When it does pop up, though, it's maddening. It becomes an obstacle to work against, and more often than not my response is to retreat from that obstacle. In fact, just writing this is a challenge; there's part of me that's screaming, "Turn back! Turn back!" from the corners of my mind. It's also not one simple issue, but rather one composed of multiple components and layers, and some of those components are deeply ingrained into my psyche.
There's two reasons for this. The first, and more easily dealt-with, is that I suffer from Shiny Object Quick Movement Syndrome, something that I just made up. While not as crippling as real disorders like ADHD, SOQMS (pronounced sok-əms, like the robots) means I get easily distracted and constantly craving new kinds of input. It's why I'm a trivia whore, and why I have a stack of unfinished video games, and why I haven't yet renewed my WoW account (besides the threat of death by
the_z ). Fortunately, there's a simple solution - sit my ass down and focus on fewer things at once. It can be done, and sometimes the best treatment is to just revisit something after a couple of weeks and see if it still holds interest.The second, and more insidious, reason is that I have some form of social anxiety. I'm hesitant to actually define it as any official doctor-diagnosed anxiety issue, because I don't think it's as paralyzing as that. Mine's more mild, as most of the time, it's a non-issue. When it does pop up, though, it's maddening. It becomes an obstacle to work against, and more often than not my response is to retreat from that obstacle. In fact, just writing this is a challenge; there's part of me that's screaming, "Turn back! Turn back!" from the corners of my mind. It's also not one simple issue, but rather one composed of multiple components and layers, and some of those components are deeply ingrained into my psyche.
The first of the pieces that make up my anxiety is my general introversion. Some of this is probably due to being an only child and spending a lot of time on my own. There's also the fact that, in the earlier grades, I spent a fair amount of time separated from my peers because I was advancing faster than they were. While the extra attention and feedback was nice (more on that later), it also served to isolate me somewhat. Everything evened out by high school, but I'm sure the impact of the early years had an effect. Beyond that, I'm just not an outgoing person. I definitely don't have a type A personality. I'm generally content to just be quiet and private. It's not universal, though - otherwise, I wouldn't bother writing this.
Beyond just being a bit shy, though, we come to the second problem - I have some mild agoraphobia and/or claustrophobia. I'm not really sure why; I've never had any bad experiences with open spaces or crowds. Every now and again, though, I'll have an overwhelming urge to get out of a crowded area. Something will just suddenly trigger to make me feel very uncomfortable, almost to the point of panic. I'm thankful that it doesn't happen often, but it has left a general lingering discomfort around large throngs of people. I tend to stay towards the edges like a good wallflower rather than daring to wade in. Fortunately, this doesn't translate much to being online. You'd think I'd feel safer here.
Underneath that layer, though, we get to the most damaging of my personality quirks. I am afraid of failure and negative feedback, to the point of having an irrational phobia. For some reason, I crave validation. I don't know if it's because of all the attention I got due to my grades in school, or if there's another underlying cause, but I tend to feel unfulfilled if my efforts in life aren't validated or rewarded somehow. It's one reason why I get depressed when people don't comment on (what is to me) an important LJ post. It's a stupid thing to be concerned about, but there it is. Without positive reinforcement, I tend towards feeling worthless, and that my efforts are pointless. I feel like there's a lot of pressure to either communicate something witty, informative, and/or profound, and if I can't manage that, I shouldn't bother communicating at all. It's present in more than just communication - I tend to have an attitude in life that if I can't succeed in something, I shouldn't even try. The hard lesson has been teaching myself that "good enough" is just that - good enough.
Even more frightening, though, is the idea of leaving a negative impression. I believe I've mentioned this in the past - I have a fear, bordering on paranoia, that if I say something that gives someone a poor impression of me or my talents, that person will be so negative as to want to do me harm. It's a ridiculous fear to have, but I haven't found a way to completely overcome it yet. Even more embarrassing is that it springs up so often. I get nervous when I have to call people that I don't know on the phone. I'm uncomfortable meeting strangers, even when I'm among people that I know. I'm even afraid to make special requests when ordering food. Unlike my fear of crowds, this one does invade into my online life. I'm afraid of posting on forums where there's an established social group. I'm afraid to play games online because the people who already play will be better than me, and I'm scared of getting berated for being terrible. (I had one bad experience with Warcraft 3 the first time I tried playing online, and I never went back.)
EDIT: Upon reflection, perhaps "do me harm" is a bit strong. I don't believe that I'm in any risk of physical violence. It's more a fear that they'll actively dislike me, that they'll insult me for no reason other than hurt me, or that they'll go behind my back to make my life miserable (which gets really paranoid).
It's horribly embarrassing to have this fear. There's no reason for it. There's no reason to be paralyzed by fear, either of failure or of peoples' opinions. At the end of his 5th Annual End of the World Tour CD, Christopher Titus says, "I've never failed. I just succeed in finding what doesn't work," and that resonates with who I want to be. I want to shed the weight of this fear, because I think that when I do, the rest of the layers of my anxiety will peel back and slough off. How do I know? Because I've seen what happens when I do overcome them. Ask my local friends. When I'm around them, I'm outgoing and gregarious, and to get that way around them means that I had to climb beyond the obstacles when I met them. I know I can do it on a case-by-case basis; I just want to do it on a regular day-to-day basis.
The irony, of course, is that the cure for fear is to not be afraid, to confront the thing that causes your fear. The only way for me to have less anxiety is to not give into it and just go forth doing what I want to do. Sometimes, it feels like a Sisyphean effort, where I'm going to almost make a breakthrough just in time to roll back to where I was. The fear of failure compounds the issue; if I don't manage to overcome it, it just reinforces the idea that I shouldn't even try.
So, what am I doing to get over it? Well, I'm trying to post more on forums, to get out there, interact with new people, openly communicate, and share what's on my mind, even if it's not the greatest thing ever. I'm getting online and trying to play multiplayer games, even if I'm not terribly good. I've even ventured onto XBox Live (talk about entering the lion's den). Still not brave enough to unmute the mike on my headset, but it's a start. I'm hoping that if I can overcome it here, on the 'net, I can start to do it more in the real world. It's daunting. It's frightening. It's tempting to just turn tail and run. As I said, it was an effort to even attempt to write this, and to overcome the impulse to close the browser before posting. Still, it feels somewhat cathartic to get this all out into the open.
Beyond just being a bit shy, though, we come to the second problem - I have some mild agoraphobia and/or claustrophobia. I'm not really sure why; I've never had any bad experiences with open spaces or crowds. Every now and again, though, I'll have an overwhelming urge to get out of a crowded area. Something will just suddenly trigger to make me feel very uncomfortable, almost to the point of panic. I'm thankful that it doesn't happen often, but it has left a general lingering discomfort around large throngs of people. I tend to stay towards the edges like a good wallflower rather than daring to wade in. Fortunately, this doesn't translate much to being online. You'd think I'd feel safer here.
Underneath that layer, though, we get to the most damaging of my personality quirks. I am afraid of failure and negative feedback, to the point of having an irrational phobia. For some reason, I crave validation. I don't know if it's because of all the attention I got due to my grades in school, or if there's another underlying cause, but I tend to feel unfulfilled if my efforts in life aren't validated or rewarded somehow. It's one reason why I get depressed when people don't comment on (what is to me) an important LJ post. It's a stupid thing to be concerned about, but there it is. Without positive reinforcement, I tend towards feeling worthless, and that my efforts are pointless. I feel like there's a lot of pressure to either communicate something witty, informative, and/or profound, and if I can't manage that, I shouldn't bother communicating at all. It's present in more than just communication - I tend to have an attitude in life that if I can't succeed in something, I shouldn't even try. The hard lesson has been teaching myself that "good enough" is just that - good enough.
Even more frightening, though, is the idea of leaving a negative impression. I believe I've mentioned this in the past - I have a fear, bordering on paranoia, that if I say something that gives someone a poor impression of me or my talents, that person will be so negative as to want to do me harm. It's a ridiculous fear to have, but I haven't found a way to completely overcome it yet. Even more embarrassing is that it springs up so often. I get nervous when I have to call people that I don't know on the phone. I'm uncomfortable meeting strangers, even when I'm among people that I know. I'm even afraid to make special requests when ordering food. Unlike my fear of crowds, this one does invade into my online life. I'm afraid of posting on forums where there's an established social group. I'm afraid to play games online because the people who already play will be better than me, and I'm scared of getting berated for being terrible. (I had one bad experience with Warcraft 3 the first time I tried playing online, and I never went back.)
EDIT: Upon reflection, perhaps "do me harm" is a bit strong. I don't believe that I'm in any risk of physical violence. It's more a fear that they'll actively dislike me, that they'll insult me for no reason other than hurt me, or that they'll go behind my back to make my life miserable (which gets really paranoid).
It's horribly embarrassing to have this fear. There's no reason for it. There's no reason to be paralyzed by fear, either of failure or of peoples' opinions. At the end of his 5th Annual End of the World Tour CD, Christopher Titus says, "I've never failed. I just succeed in finding what doesn't work," and that resonates with who I want to be. I want to shed the weight of this fear, because I think that when I do, the rest of the layers of my anxiety will peel back and slough off. How do I know? Because I've seen what happens when I do overcome them. Ask my local friends. When I'm around them, I'm outgoing and gregarious, and to get that way around them means that I had to climb beyond the obstacles when I met them. I know I can do it on a case-by-case basis; I just want to do it on a regular day-to-day basis.
The irony, of course, is that the cure for fear is to not be afraid, to confront the thing that causes your fear. The only way for me to have less anxiety is to not give into it and just go forth doing what I want to do. Sometimes, it feels like a Sisyphean effort, where I'm going to almost make a breakthrough just in time to roll back to where I was. The fear of failure compounds the issue; if I don't manage to overcome it, it just reinforces the idea that I shouldn't even try.
So, what am I doing to get over it? Well, I'm trying to post more on forums, to get out there, interact with new people, openly communicate, and share what's on my mind, even if it's not the greatest thing ever. I'm getting online and trying to play multiplayer games, even if I'm not terribly good. I've even ventured onto XBox Live (talk about entering the lion's den). Still not brave enough to unmute the mike on my headset, but it's a start. I'm hoping that if I can overcome it here, on the 'net, I can start to do it more in the real world. It's daunting. It's frightening. It's tempting to just turn tail and run. As I said, it was an effort to even attempt to write this, and to overcome the impulse to close the browser before posting. Still, it feels somewhat cathartic to get this all out into the open.
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no subject
on 2008-02-27 07:44 pm (UTC)I HATE/LOATHE/FEAR the telephone. It removes my one real ability to understand folks that I don't know - lip reading. When I've known someone a while, I get used to their speech patterns and understand/hear them much better. If it's someone I -don't- know, it's impossible for me to understand them most of the time and I have to go on conjecture and lip reading. Remove the lip reading and it's just impossible. I've put off making an appointment - ironically - to get a hearing aid for three weeks now because it means I will have to call someone I don't know on the telephone and attempt to communicate something difficult to them without being able to understand what they say. I hate admitting this, because I HATE to say that I have a real, almost crippling disability (in some respects) and I HATE that it's made me this afraid of something.
I also fear drive-thrus. I invariably walk into any restarant that I can, just because otherwise I can't verify my order when they repeat it back to me. :/
You'll get through it man. So will I. The first step is admitting it to yourself and others. :)
no subject
on 2008-02-27 08:51 pm (UTC)I'm on meds for it right now, after ten years of being fairly sure I had it but not being able to make myself tell the doctor until I was doing so badly at work that, if anyone noticed how little work I got done daily*, I'd be in danger of getting fired. They're helping a bit**, but what I really need is therapy to help break the habits I've got now and develop better ones, but my extra money is currently being funneled to the Move the Hell Out Of This Apartment Complex in June fund, which takes priority.
* Hyperfocus, one of the other symptoms, got me through that. I'd be able to pull a project out of my ass by doing nothing but that for however long it took.
** My apartment is clean for the first time ever, because I can stay on task long enough to actually finish a room.