Acceptance.

[nockergeek]

Just doing some thinking while work is slow for a moment, and I came to a realization.

I'm never going to be popular or terribly well-liked.

It's not that I'm unlikeable -- I've been told otherwise by numerous people over the years -- but rather it's that I'm uncomfortable with people I don't know, or don't know well, and this tends to make me distant/aloof. On top of that, I tend to have a lot of chance meetings with people; we get very close for a brieft time while we discuss something or other, and then we go our separate ways and tend to not cross paths much, if at all. Add onto this the fact that I tend to be very absent-minded -- I have a real out-of-sight, out-of-mind problem -- and I often lose touch with people. I'm also just generally shy and uncomfortable about approaching people, even online. I'm the kind of person who feels more comfortable being approached, but one can't expect that to happen very often.

In addition, I tend to be, well, not really flashy or memorable. Some people are very distinctive. They stand out in whatever crowd they're in, and they draw attention. They're the ones that stories are later told about, and they end up making names for themselves in the public sphere, even if that sphere may only be a small microcosm of society. I'm not one of those people. My tendencies towards shyness and quietness make me blend into the background, and my general hesitance to say or do anything that might draw attention to myself can be a big stumbling block if I want out of the background. At most, you'll hear a brief, not-very-interesting peep out of me, and then I fade back into the distance. I also lead a relatively uneventful life, which makes for very little interest for other people (although to be sure, it also means very little drama.)

In short, although I'm likeable, I'm not likeable, constantly around, and particularly bold, talkative, or remarkable. I can honestly say that I doubt too many people wonder, "I wonder how Rob/Kuririn/NockerGeek/etc. is doing." No one, online or offline, probably remembers much about me being present, much less remembering much about me as a person. I'd imagine that snowflakes leave deeper-lasting impressions than I do. ^_^

Today, though, I've come to accept this. It doesn't make me happy or sad. It's just a part of who I am, and what my lot in life is. I can't really complain, mind you. Despite it all, I have a small-but-close circle of friends, a loving immediate family, and a wonderful wife. Sure, I wouldn't mind being more noticed, but so far I'm living pleasantly without it.

Comments

[the-z.livejournal.com]

You did mention that you always preferred to work backstage.

The best stage crew is never noticed, right?

rike neenja.

[nockergeek.livejournal.com]

This is true, this is true. Still, it's kind of a lonely existence at times, and I will admit to sometimes being slightly envious of those who get attention. I think I just miss the recognition and validation from my school days. That's why the meeting last night felt good; I was heard, and my points were listened to and acknowledged.

I guess that I just want to get a, "Good job!" or, "You're pretty cool; come hang with us," from time to time... but I'm acknowledging that getting such things often is not really what I'm meant for.

[the-z.livejournal.com]

Well, to be noticed, you have to be there for people to notice you. It's just a matter of stepping out of the ordinary and taking chances. It's usually worth it.

[dilemma.livejournal.com]

This is heavily ironic, as I was thinking the exact words "Huh. I wonder how (Rob/DarkIsawa) is doing. I haven't talked to him in something measured in years.

so: hi! was just thinking about, among a small handful of people I don't really see much anymore, you.

[kaiyabeck.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's really scary. You've described me to a T. I, too, have the same problem of being uncomfortable socializing with people I don't know too well, and when I do find myself in that type of situation, I constantly analyze my conversations to make sure that I haven't said or did anything controversial/offensive. And when I do say or do something that I feel has been controversial/offensive, I beat myself up over it for a long time afterwards. I'm doing it right now, as a matter of fact. So, yeah. I can see where you're coming from. It's a bitch, ain't it?

But from someone who really doesn't know you all that well, I can honestly say that I like you. You always seem to say something to make me smile when you comment on my LJ, and you and Z are like one entity in my book-- I can't wonder how she's doing without also wondering how you're doing, too.

Hmm... this comment was supposed to have some point, but I think it got lost somewhere in the mix. *shrugs* Ah, well.