Feeling better...

Had company over tonight, and that helped cheer me up. Maggie and Dan are always fun to hang with. Had good food from Z. Got to play Frequency - an odd little PS2 game with an innovative concept if nothing else. Got to watch the Cowboy Bebop movie that Dow sent us, which was as good as hoped.

All in all, the night helped break me out of my funk, which is good. Hopefully, tomorrow I won't be in such a bad rut, and I'll be able to do things like focus and think clearly and not waste time at work.

G'night, LJ!

Riding a rollercoaster of emotions...

Not struggling nearly as badly as I was yesterday, but I'm still having some ups and downs. Starting to get cold feet about Garrett's game - my enthusiasm is waning for some reason, but it's probably just anxiety. Wishing that I wasn't the perennial outsider. Wishing I could actually make conversation without being ignored and/or making a fool of myself. Trying to remember to eat lunch.

Just things like that. Trying not to let little things snowball into big things that will bring me down. Trying to stay focused at work... not having much success. One simple task isn't working like it should, and it's thrown off my entire rhythm today. Trying not to fall into the trap of wasting time websurfing... trying to maintain momentum.

It's hard. It's really hard right now. I don't know why. Where went all of last week's energy from my holiday rest and repose? Where went the recentering I had? Why is everything crurmbling around me in my mind when it shouldn't be?

I hate this up and down. I want to be happy. Even just "not depressed" would be nice. Something constant and pleasant. And I'm not really depressed, not like I was yesterday. I was fine last night, and I was fine this morning... I just feel like I've been wasting my time again, or my energy, or something. Getting distracted by small things. I feel like I have no mental inertia right now, which is quite annoying.

Focus focus focus. I need focus right now. Inertia. Stability. Need to work through this.

Climbing...

Having lunch seems to have helped a little. Getting bits of work done here and there. Little victories, one-by-one. I feel a bit better. Focus is slowly returning. Getting a little sugar in me helped too. Time to go get some more water, walk around a bit, get energy moving through my body.

I wonder if my boss would get me a Japanese soap girl to hang out in my office and give me back rubs and other such attention when I need it. Probably not, but a man can dream, can't he?

Oh well. I'll live. Z says she's going to pamper me tonight, so as long as I can get rubs from her, I don't need a Japanese soap girl. :)

Observation.

I find it interesting to note that my Friends list on here never changes. No one new puts me on their list, and I haven't put anyone new on my list for a long while. In fact, both lists are identical, with zero flux.

I'm neither interesting enough to draw new people to me, nor abrasive enough to push existing friends away. Does that leave me at "bland and average"?