NockerGeek (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nockergeek) wrote2002-03-16 10:15 pm
nockergeek) wrote2002-03-16 10:15 pm
Paranoia....
...sucks. And I'm not talking about the hard-as-hell DDR song, either. I'm talking about the paranoia that leaves you paralyzed, afraid to do anything for fear of... something bad happening. What's worse is when you realize that you're being stupid and you're either too caught up in being paranoid to notice or too stubborn to do something about it. Or both.
Went out to see Resident Evil tonight, theoretically to see it with the crew of Casa del Geek. Well, we walked to the theatre well ahead of time, get our tickets without seeing Seth and Crew (at which point, I started worrying, because the place was packed and several other films were already sold out), and get in line to get seated. We get right into the theatre, get a nice seat in the upper middle of the auditorium, get comfy, and wait until our crew shows up.
We see Jake and Aly get into the theatre at about 15 minutes 'til showtime. Z offers to yell out to them. Suddenly, it's like a switch is flicked in my brain. Suddenly, I'm alone, surrounded in a sea of people who will harm me, yell at me, or think bad things of me if I draw attention to myself. I want our crew to notice us, yes, but I don't want anyone else to notice me, because in my social anxiety I don't want the world to know I exist - anonymity is safer.
A few minutes later, the rest of the crew gets there. Z gets ready to yell to them, and I actually covered her mouth, so instead of yelling, "Seth!", it came out as, "Se-oap!". I fucking covered her mouth so that my own little paranoia fit wouldn't be disturbed. I'm utterly fucking embarassed by this fact. I mean, I knew I had a problem with this, but this is taking it to a whole other level. She gets another shout out to them, and they see us. Of course, they're way down at the bottom, so Z and Mags agree that we should stay put, as the theatre's starting to get packed now... but if I hadn't been such a stubborn paranoid little shit, we would have been down there when Jake and Aly came in, seated with our friends.
I don't know why I'm afraid of people. I can't trace it to any one event in my past, or even to a particular string of events. Is it because I was afraid of the more popular kids tormenting me? Maybe, but the thing is, that's a copout. It's easy to look for reasons in our past, things that are already said and done and point the blame. Yes, blaming phantoms from our past is really fucking useless. Unless we're willing to move past that, it's all mental masturbation. I don't care why I have this phobia. All I care about is getting past it... but evidently, I'm too much of a slave to it to really try. All it takes is one minor thing and I pop up my shields for fear of someone out there hurting or rejecting me. God, I'm so ashamed of myself.
The worst part is, when the fit ends, I get this utter clarity as my peace of mind returns. I look into the mirror of my mind and I realize that I was stupid. That's the worst part - knowing that I'm a social failure. I think that last word hits hardest of all. Failure. Failure failure failure. And it somehow manages to be even worse when I get that clarity mid-fit. I know I'm being moronic, and part of me wants to just drop the whole thing and make myself noticed, but I just can't do it. I'm so fucking weak.
So, long story short, I snubbed my friends because I'm a paranoid little shit who's afraid of strangers. Not a thing to be proud of.
Went out to see Resident Evil tonight, theoretically to see it with the crew of Casa del Geek. Well, we walked to the theatre well ahead of time, get our tickets without seeing Seth and Crew (at which point, I started worrying, because the place was packed and several other films were already sold out), and get in line to get seated. We get right into the theatre, get a nice seat in the upper middle of the auditorium, get comfy, and wait until our crew shows up.
We see Jake and Aly get into the theatre at about 15 minutes 'til showtime. Z offers to yell out to them. Suddenly, it's like a switch is flicked in my brain. Suddenly, I'm alone, surrounded in a sea of people who will harm me, yell at me, or think bad things of me if I draw attention to myself. I want our crew to notice us, yes, but I don't want anyone else to notice me, because in my social anxiety I don't want the world to know I exist - anonymity is safer.
A few minutes later, the rest of the crew gets there. Z gets ready to yell to them, and I actually covered her mouth, so instead of yelling, "Seth!", it came out as, "Se-oap!". I fucking covered her mouth so that my own little paranoia fit wouldn't be disturbed. I'm utterly fucking embarassed by this fact. I mean, I knew I had a problem with this, but this is taking it to a whole other level. She gets another shout out to them, and they see us. Of course, they're way down at the bottom, so Z and Mags agree that we should stay put, as the theatre's starting to get packed now... but if I hadn't been such a stubborn paranoid little shit, we would have been down there when Jake and Aly came in, seated with our friends.
I don't know why I'm afraid of people. I can't trace it to any one event in my past, or even to a particular string of events. Is it because I was afraid of the more popular kids tormenting me? Maybe, but the thing is, that's a copout. It's easy to look for reasons in our past, things that are already said and done and point the blame. Yes, blaming phantoms from our past is really fucking useless. Unless we're willing to move past that, it's all mental masturbation. I don't care why I have this phobia. All I care about is getting past it... but evidently, I'm too much of a slave to it to really try. All it takes is one minor thing and I pop up my shields for fear of someone out there hurting or rejecting me. God, I'm so ashamed of myself.
The worst part is, when the fit ends, I get this utter clarity as my peace of mind returns. I look into the mirror of my mind and I realize that I was stupid. That's the worst part - knowing that I'm a social failure. I think that last word hits hardest of all. Failure. Failure failure failure. And it somehow manages to be even worse when I get that clarity mid-fit. I know I'm being moronic, and part of me wants to just drop the whole thing and make myself noticed, but I just can't do it. I'm so fucking weak.
So, long story short, I snubbed my friends because I'm a paranoid little shit who's afraid of strangers. Not a thing to be proud of.
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