NockerGeek (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nockergeek) wrote2002-03-04 03:12 pm
nockergeek) wrote2002-03-04 03:12 pm
Names from the past...
While doing some searching on Google, I had the sudden urge to type in my last girlfriend's name and see what came up. I did a search for Mel (I won't give her full name), and amid the matches of two random names together, I found one that was actually her. She's going to my old college, in my old department, doing the things I used to do - small, indie-style oddball theatre.
While I was at it, I did a search for Robyn, my first girlfriend and the one right before Mel... and sure enough, I found her too. She's at the same college, also doing theatre. They're both seniors this year. Don't know how long before they graduate and move on to careers in the big wide world. It's hard to believe that they're in their 20s now... I started dating Robyn when she was 14, and a couple of years (and two breakups with Robyn) later, I dated Mel for several months... and then I met Z. Don't get the wrong idea - I didn't break up with Mel because of Z. I was already considering it when I met Z. See, the thing was, Mel was still in high school, and I was in my second year of college. I couldn't keep running back and forth between high school and college, trying to live in both, because I wasn't getting the best out of either. So, I broke up with Mel because I needed to see what else was out there. A couple of months later, Z and I started dating... we just kind of fell into each other's hearts.
Every once in a while, I get the urge to look up my old friends and acquaintances. I want to look up my old girlfriends, because deep down a part of me still cares for them, never stopped loving them. And really, that's true. I never stopped loving Mel... but the love changed when I felt trapped between two existences. I know Mel was very bitter for a time over the breakup, and I don't blame her... it's hard to be told "Hey, I love you, but I need to be free of you for myself." However, at the same time, that chapter of my life is over, and the page has been turned. I don't think going back would do anything other than stirring up old feelings that don't need stirring. As Dan says, "We don't bring up old shit." So I let my memories fade, hug my Z, and move on with life.
All the same, though, it makes me happy to know that they're doing the things now that they wanted to do back then. Gives me a sense of satisfied closure.
While I was at it, I did a search for Robyn, my first girlfriend and the one right before Mel... and sure enough, I found her too. She's at the same college, also doing theatre. They're both seniors this year. Don't know how long before they graduate and move on to careers in the big wide world. It's hard to believe that they're in their 20s now... I started dating Robyn when she was 14, and a couple of years (and two breakups with Robyn) later, I dated Mel for several months... and then I met Z. Don't get the wrong idea - I didn't break up with Mel because of Z. I was already considering it when I met Z. See, the thing was, Mel was still in high school, and I was in my second year of college. I couldn't keep running back and forth between high school and college, trying to live in both, because I wasn't getting the best out of either. So, I broke up with Mel because I needed to see what else was out there. A couple of months later, Z and I started dating... we just kind of fell into each other's hearts.
Every once in a while, I get the urge to look up my old friends and acquaintances. I want to look up my old girlfriends, because deep down a part of me still cares for them, never stopped loving them. And really, that's true. I never stopped loving Mel... but the love changed when I felt trapped between two existences. I know Mel was very bitter for a time over the breakup, and I don't blame her... it's hard to be told "Hey, I love you, but I need to be free of you for myself." However, at the same time, that chapter of my life is over, and the page has been turned. I don't think going back would do anything other than stirring up old feelings that don't need stirring. As Dan says, "We don't bring up old shit." So I let my memories fade, hug my Z, and move on with life.
All the same, though, it makes me happy to know that they're doing the things now that they wanted to do back then. Gives me a sense of satisfied closure.