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Jun. 24th, 2006 10:13 amHad a bad depressive jag last night. Worst part was, it hit just as ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
foxkit's Savage Worlds game started, and the evening got cut short because of it. I appreciate that it was cut short because people didn't want me left out (I said I wanted to sit it out, because I just felt miserable), but at the same time, it was sad to see people leave because of me. At the same time, though, I had to say something, because it was leaving me feeling utterly terrible.
When I'm in the middle of it, it makes me feel alternately utterly lonely and very paranoid. It's like having voices in your head bounce between, "No one cares about you," and, "You just must not be worth caring about." It's stupid and illogical, and there's no real reason to feel that way, but it just happens. It makes me feel horribly distant from people, and it's a negative feedback loop - I feel distant, so I distance myself, and then I feel hurt and more distant. Took me a few hours to get over it, and it's still lingering in the background.
Today, I'm doing better. Not normal, but better. I can laugh and smile more easily, and I can enjoy things, but everything's slightly muted. It's an improvement, though, so I'll take it. I don't know exactly what triggered this attack. I was fine when people were arriving... but sometime between then and when I walked into the kitchen to start playing, something flipped a switch and everything went awry. It's nothing anyone said or did. It just happens.
...
That said, I do feel a bit distant from my friends lately, mostly because I don't see them much or talk with them much anymore. We're all busy doing our own things. I haven't made it to the last few Monday night hangouts. I play on a different WoW server than them. Friday night is about the only time I get to see anyone anymore (and last night, I managed to get that messed up). The depressive side of me says that I'm not terribly missed, that it's not like I'm particularly interesting or great to be around. The normal side of me tries to get that part to shut up, to remind me that people do like me and enjoy my company. It's a struggle, and most of the time, the depressive part's not even there, but it likes to come around out of nowhere (like last night) and sucker punch me.
So that's where I am right now emotionally. Doing mostly okay, but with a depressive looptape still trying to play in my head. Right now, thank God, it's just playing white noise and trying to mute everything else, and it's not really succeeding. I just hope I'm through the worst of this one.
foxkit's Savage Worlds game started, and the evening got cut short because of it. I appreciate that it was cut short because people didn't want me left out (I said I wanted to sit it out, because I just felt miserable), but at the same time, it was sad to see people leave because of me. At the same time, though, I had to say something, because it was leaving me feeling utterly terrible. When I'm in the middle of it, it makes me feel alternately utterly lonely and very paranoid. It's like having voices in your head bounce between, "No one cares about you," and, "You just must not be worth caring about." It's stupid and illogical, and there's no real reason to feel that way, but it just happens. It makes me feel horribly distant from people, and it's a negative feedback loop - I feel distant, so I distance myself, and then I feel hurt and more distant. Took me a few hours to get over it, and it's still lingering in the background.
Today, I'm doing better. Not normal, but better. I can laugh and smile more easily, and I can enjoy things, but everything's slightly muted. It's an improvement, though, so I'll take it. I don't know exactly what triggered this attack. I was fine when people were arriving... but sometime between then and when I walked into the kitchen to start playing, something flipped a switch and everything went awry. It's nothing anyone said or did. It just happens.
...
That said, I do feel a bit distant from my friends lately, mostly because I don't see them much or talk with them much anymore. We're all busy doing our own things. I haven't made it to the last few Monday night hangouts. I play on a different WoW server than them. Friday night is about the only time I get to see anyone anymore (and last night, I managed to get that messed up). The depressive side of me says that I'm not terribly missed, that it's not like I'm particularly interesting or great to be around. The normal side of me tries to get that part to shut up, to remind me that people do like me and enjoy my company. It's a struggle, and most of the time, the depressive part's not even there, but it likes to come around out of nowhere (like last night) and sucker punch me.
So that's where I am right now emotionally. Doing mostly okay, but with a depressive looptape still trying to play in my head. Right now, thank God, it's just playing white noise and trying to mute everything else, and it's not really succeeding. I just hope I'm through the worst of this one.