Playing the victim...
Been fighting off a wickedly bad case of depression yesterday and today. Haven't been in my right mind, and I find myself getting defensive, resentful, paranoid, and reclusive... and then blaming other people for not helping me out of it, even if I'm not being responsive to their attempts to cheer me up (which I tend to write off as, "Well, you're just not cheering me up the right way.")
All in all, it makes me an unpleasant person to be around.
I've found that getting a boost of blood sugar helps -- I get especially surly when I haven't eaten in a while -- as does caffeine. Sugar and caffeine buzzes, however, wear off relatively quickly. Being with other people helps... once I'm pulled out of my funk by the boost in blood sugar. Once I'm receptive, I'm in a better mood, but getting me receptive is an arduous challenge; most people just get frustrated.
One thing the depression does bring is a lot of heavy introspection and meditation upon my current circumstances, although they end up being skewed at first and making me angry/resentful. I have to make a conscious effort to set those aside, and try viewing the situation through clear eyes, as objectively as possible. For example, this morning I was out walking the dog, and I was feeling very angry and resentful because of a perceived slight in my relationship with the Z -- the idea that when it comes to compromising, I give up everything and she (in my eyes at the time) gives up nothing. I was feeling like I give up my freedom, my friends, my time, and my money just to make her happy, and to make her happy with me, and yet she gave up nothing in return. The more I thought about it, the more resentful I got -- until I finally had to say, "Stop it. You're just working yourself up. Let's think about this calmly and rationally for a second."
And I realized that I have a very skewed view of fair and unfair. It breaks down like this:
Now, here's the thing -- Z's never asked me to not go out without her, or to always stay home with her. This is not a sacrifice she's asked me to make, and she hasn't even really hinted at it. It's just something I've taken upon myself in an attempt to make her happier. She may not realize (and probably doesn't realize) that I've been doing this.
How, then, can I possibly demand that me being "forced" to give this up is unfair, when I'm imposing it on myself?
Also, I always feel really guilty about asking her to do anything for me, feeling that it's unfair to "force" her to do anything she doesn't want, or to give up some time for me. This carries over to when she offers to do something for me -- I'll refuse, saying that it's unfair to her. Now, if she's offering of her own free will, why is it unfair? It's only unfair in my twisted little mind.
So really, it comes down to me playing the self-sacrificial victim who suffers in silence, even when it's suffering of my own design. I refuse to let anyone help me, because somehow that would force them into making the same sacrifice, and that would be unfair. Yet I resent them for not making the same sacrifice, or a similar one, out of their own volition -- often because they don't know that I want them to. Example: I get upset at Z for not spending as much time with me as I'd like (because she's busy working on art, or talking with friends online.) She says, "Well, why don't you just ask me to spend time with you?" My answer? "That's not fair to you. You shouldn't have to give up time for me. Besides, if you want to spend time with me, you will. If you don't, you won't."
Translation: I'm the victim. I give up things so you don't have to. You should give up things too, just to make me happy, but I won't ask you to do it or tell you what I want, so you just have to guess. If you loved me, you would give up other things to be with me all the time, so you wouldn't have to guess. I'll just throw in a guilt trip to make you feel bad for "making me the victim," which I am of my own choosing anyway.
That's very unfair to her, and very shallow and petty of me. I need to stop playing the victim and making sacrifices that I'm not expected to make. I try to write it off as being compromising, but it's not a compromise when no one's asking you to do it.
So, what do I do? Stop being so secretely self-sacrificial, and then holding it against people when they don't realize my "compromise". Tell people what I want. Ask people what they want. Don't assume that they're taking me for granted, and don't take them for granted either.
It all comes down to communication, like almost everything else.
All in all, it makes me an unpleasant person to be around.
I've found that getting a boost of blood sugar helps -- I get especially surly when I haven't eaten in a while -- as does caffeine. Sugar and caffeine buzzes, however, wear off relatively quickly. Being with other people helps... once I'm pulled out of my funk by the boost in blood sugar. Once I'm receptive, I'm in a better mood, but getting me receptive is an arduous challenge; most people just get frustrated.
One thing the depression does bring is a lot of heavy introspection and meditation upon my current circumstances, although they end up being skewed at first and making me angry/resentful. I have to make a conscious effort to set those aside, and try viewing the situation through clear eyes, as objectively as possible. For example, this morning I was out walking the dog, and I was feeling very angry and resentful because of a perceived slight in my relationship with the Z -- the idea that when it comes to compromising, I give up everything and she (in my eyes at the time) gives up nothing. I was feeling like I give up my freedom, my friends, my time, and my money just to make her happy, and to make her happy with me, and yet she gave up nothing in return. The more I thought about it, the more resentful I got -- until I finally had to say, "Stop it. You're just working yourself up. Let's think about this calmly and rationally for a second."
And I realized that I have a very skewed view of fair and unfair. It breaks down like this:
- Z is happier when I'm with her than when I'm not. She's told me as much -- when I get home from work, her body feels better, her mood improves, and she's just generally happier.
- So, to make her happy, I try to only go out when I can take her with me, and I otherwise try to stay home with her and have people come see us.
Now, here's the thing -- Z's never asked me to not go out without her, or to always stay home with her. This is not a sacrifice she's asked me to make, and she hasn't even really hinted at it. It's just something I've taken upon myself in an attempt to make her happier. She may not realize (and probably doesn't realize) that I've been doing this.
How, then, can I possibly demand that me being "forced" to give this up is unfair, when I'm imposing it on myself?
Also, I always feel really guilty about asking her to do anything for me, feeling that it's unfair to "force" her to do anything she doesn't want, or to give up some time for me. This carries over to when she offers to do something for me -- I'll refuse, saying that it's unfair to her. Now, if she's offering of her own free will, why is it unfair? It's only unfair in my twisted little mind.
So really, it comes down to me playing the self-sacrificial victim who suffers in silence, even when it's suffering of my own design. I refuse to let anyone help me, because somehow that would force them into making the same sacrifice, and that would be unfair. Yet I resent them for not making the same sacrifice, or a similar one, out of their own volition -- often because they don't know that I want them to. Example: I get upset at Z for not spending as much time with me as I'd like (because she's busy working on art, or talking with friends online.) She says, "Well, why don't you just ask me to spend time with you?" My answer? "That's not fair to you. You shouldn't have to give up time for me. Besides, if you want to spend time with me, you will. If you don't, you won't."
Translation: I'm the victim. I give up things so you don't have to. You should give up things too, just to make me happy, but I won't ask you to do it or tell you what I want, so you just have to guess. If you loved me, you would give up other things to be with me all the time, so you wouldn't have to guess. I'll just throw in a guilt trip to make you feel bad for "making me the victim," which I am of my own choosing anyway.
That's very unfair to her, and very shallow and petty of me. I need to stop playing the victim and making sacrifices that I'm not expected to make. I try to write it off as being compromising, but it's not a compromise when no one's asking you to do it.
So, what do I do? Stop being so secretely self-sacrificial, and then holding it against people when they don't realize my "compromise". Tell people what I want. Ask people what they want. Don't assume that they're taking me for granted, and don't take them for granted either.
It all comes down to communication, like almost everything else.