And now, an interlude of profundity.

Just to let you know that this isn't all weird life outtakes, bouts of frustration/depression, and online test results, I just thought I'd share a little of what's been on my mind today.

Today at church, the message was about our particular chuch's fundamental beliefs - the beliefs that are core to the faith and are considered the foundation for the rest of what goes on. It was an interesting sermon, complete with the largest Jenga game I've ever seen (which, miraculously, did not collapse on stage.) Besides the humor - there was also a video clip from The Jerk - there was a lot going on underneath, and it made me wonder, "So, where's my faith right now? How far have I come in my spiritual journey?"

I suppose I should provide a little background first.

For the first 20 or so years of my life, one phrase best sums up my experience with Christianity: "I love God. It's his fanclub I can't stand." (Got that one off of a button that one of the church's musicians wears. It's a pretty hip place.) I remember not understanding Christianity at all, and not really enjoying being around Christians. Most of the Christians - the really hardcore ones, not the lip-service ones that made up 90% of the people I knew - were always the "beat you over the head with the Bible and tell you you're going to Hell" types, which isn't a great way to pull people in. I'd been to church with my grandparents, but I didn't really understand what was going on. There were a lot of great stories in Sunday school, but no real coverage of the underlying ideas. Other than those forays with my grandparents, I really had no other exposure to what was going on, so it was pretty much up to me to find my own spiritual path.

Christianity, as you may imagine, was not high on the list of choices.

I've wandered here and there, examining paganism, atheism, secular humanism, and other philosophies and religions. Eastern thought came the closest to speaking to me, and I still find that the Tao Te Ching is full of very practical and healthy advice (even for Christians!). It didn't totally hit the spot, but it was the closest that I'd ever come to finding something that did the trick... so I just stopped searching there and decided to make do, and only worry about the spirtual part when it suited me.

Then my parents became born again and started attending and helping out at this little church in Lee's Summit, and invited Z and I to join them. Needless to say, the last thing I wanted was to be surrounded by born-again Christians - I'd done that before, and been utterly unimpressed by "those kinds" of people. Christians were stuffy and only interested in telling me how I was a fuck-up who was going to burn in Hell, right?

Then he told me that this church had rock music and played video clips... so what the hell, right? We went.

I'd be lying if I said my heart changed right then. I still didn't like going - it was church, and I'd rather be sleeping in on Sundays - but we made the habit of going at least once a month. Since we were living with my parents, it wasn't exactly like we could hide for long. So we suffered our one day a month, enjoyed the music and videos, and didn't pay attention to too much.

However, life (or is it God?) has a way of throwing us curveballs. My surprise pitch came in the form of my grandfather's Alzheimers. My father got to experience something that I wish no one else has to experience - to watch his father, the man who raised him, slip away from reality and retreat into a fog of lost memories and disjointed thoughts. I started helping my dad out at church a bit more, and going with him to visit Grandpa. Over the weeks that followed, my dad and I started doing life together to a greater extent than we ever had when I was growing up. We'd done life together before - he was always one of my best friends - but never in the face of anything like this. It was during this time that my heart started softening a bit to the idea of a God - a real God - out there somwhere.

That one-day-a-month became every-other-Sunday... and before too long, Z and I were going to church full time. My heart still wasn't thawed, though. I had my preconceptions, my clever bits of logic, my insistence on questioning everything just to question it. I didn't always like the messages I heard, because they meant I might have to change the way I lived my life, or they might make my beliefs (such as they were) change... and that would mean giving up to Christians. I couldn't think of a worse spiritual fate.

Some people experince a sudden enlightenment... a bright flash of joy and understanding when all the pieces fall into place. That's what happened to my dad. He said he was driving home when God just hit him upside the head and made Himself clearly known. Well, that's not what happened to me. Over the past 3 years, it's been more of a thawing of the ice around my heart, crumbling the barriers of stubborn doubt and resistance... but my heart becomes more open every day.

So that's the background. Where am I today, though?

Well, I still have questions, and not just small ones, like, "Is it okay to listen to Marilyn Manson?" My questions are of fundamentals, like, "Was Jesus really God in human form, or just really inspired?" Things like that. My other favorite question is, "What happens to all those people who never heard of Jesus throughout the world and through history? Are they just lost?" I've asked my dad that one, as he's pretty well-studied on various branches of Christian thought... and his answer is, "We don't really know."

Here's the odd part, though. A year or so ago, my reaction would have been (and, in fact, was), "You don't know? How can you believe in this, then?" Now, though, my thought is, "Wow... you have so much faith in God's love that you're willing to follow him, even without all the answers. That's powerful." (By the way, my dad was always a major skeptic, so that's a huge thing for him to say."

As far as where I am with God? I honestly don't know. I know I'm far from perfect, and that I have my own personal stack of sins. I'm a broken human being - not broken in the sense of my will being broken, but broken in terms of not fully functional. I'm damaged goods, as my dad would put it. But I also know that I'm exactly the kind of person God wants... the broken seeking to be fixed. If there's one thing I've learned about church, it's that church isn't meant to be a social club for holier-than-thou folks.... it's a refuge for the broken, a place where they can do life with others just like them so that they can reach out to God and ask Him to fix them. It isn't about going around and beating people about the head and shoulders with your beliefs... it's about being an example for people, and about going out among people and doing life with them. It's about being an extension of God's love.

Like I said, I don't know where I am with God. Have I made that final leap of faith? I don't know yet, but I've been taking baby steps. Even if I don't know where I am, though, God knows where I am with Him. I know He loves me with a love so intense that it can even melt my jaded and frozen heart. I know He loves me even though I am damaged goods, and I know He loves everyone I've ever met, and everyone I've never met, too. I know that He thinks I'm one of the most special things in the entire universe, and that everyone else is just as special.

I am loved. That is more than sufficient for me. I think my search is over.