I was actually starting to feel better last night... Z and I were laughing and joking after a long discussion online about the merits of D20 versus other role-playing systems (yes, we're both gamer geeks :), and we went to bed and cuddled... and things just went horribly wrong from there. I think it started because I wanted to get intimate, and wasn't getting any response... and in my frustration-addled mind, the best response was to curl up in fetal position on my half of the bed. Then, when Z decided to start returning affections, I was too busy being hurt to respond.
Yeah, real winning way to handle that, self.
So anyway, we sleep, and I wake up really early... before 6. So I turn over, pull out the long pillow between us, and cuddle up with Z again. And she's a little responsive, but not really... and I'm feeling very amorous, and not getting the response I want, so again I retreat, this time to the bathroom to shower and get ready. From there, the morning just snowballs. There's petty arguments, accusations of miscommunication on both sides, and I'm left depressed while Z's crying in frustration, which always breaks my heart wide open. By this point, it's just a feedback loop. I'm feeling depressed, which is bringing Z down, which depresses me more, and so on.
Now I'm at work, and I'm feeling a bit better, but I'm also extremely pissed at myself for being so damn grumpy and thin-skinned lately! And there's no real noticeable reason for it, either. Z thinks that I might have low blood sugar, or that I just need to get off sometime. I think I just need some kind of intimacy, or something. Lately I've been feeling unappreciated, or that I'm pulling more than my fair share of the load, but maybe that's just the depression talking, I don't know. I want someone to hug me, hold me tight, tell me they love me, try to cheer me up, something. I just need some assurance.
And maybe Z needs some too. I love her so much, it kills me that I hurt her feelings today. I just need to let her know that I love her, and that I'm sorry. I just called her, and I'm still getting the kind of distant, not-quite-all-better reaction... she's still a bit cold. But that's understandable, I guess. I can't just expect to call her and have it suddenly be "all better" again, even though that's what I wanted.
*sighs*
Can't win, can I? I just need to get out of this funk I'm in!! I need SOMETHING to cheer me up, to make me see that things are okay, that I don't need to be feeling down.
