Addendum

A while back, I posted that it was my own fault for being introverted and socially held-back, and that I needed to do something about it.

Last night my friend Jed pointed out that while I complain about my difficulty with making new friends, it's my quiet, stand-offish nature that keeps people from getting close, and I don't drop that shield until people get close... but it's hard to get to point B if I don't let people past point A.

Yeah, it's true. I do that. I keep my defenses high, and I'm really picky about who I let in. The people I do let in, however, I want to be really close to, and my natural personality (described by some as "effervescent and friendly") shines through.

But I'm noticing another problem... I'm really damned picky about WHO I let in. I see so many people that are well-liked that seem totally not worth my time, and I'm like, "Sure, I wish I could be as well-liked as these people, but looking at them and their circle of friends, do I want to be?" It reminds me of high school, where it's the real assholes who always seemed to be the ones held in high social esteem.

And now, hearing the stories of GenCon and the fallout afterwards, again I wonder, am I really missing all that much by not swimming with tbe sharks, socially speaking?

To be fair, those who I count among my friends seem to be really mentally and emotionally well-adjusted. Aaron, Seth, Kim, and Jed seem to have a good grasp on the entire situation, both in their own lives and about others. And I'd like to think I'm there too... or at least, I will be, once I can get past my one final stumbling block.

So anyway, the crux of all this is, on Friday (assuming he's not busy) I go to Seth's house to hang out. Part of me is scared to death because of all the people there that I barely know. It's totally irrational to be afraid of these people. Most likely, if they don't -like- me, they'll just be more or less apathetic, but I keep fearing this phantom hostility that my nervous mind is sure is just "lurking below the surface". God, I hate being paranoid of people. But I HAVE to do this. I have to start getting out of my nice comfy zone and put myself in situations where I will learn not to clam up, that people are not out to get me, that it's okay to let down the defenses, that they don't need to be there in the first place.

That's the problem with being in a turtle's shell. Sure, it's safe, but it's also small, cramped, dark, and very lonely. Time to ditch the shell and start sunning myself.

The wisdom of Tyler Durden

And you open the door, and you step inside. We're inside our hearts. Now imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light.

That's right. Your pain. Your pain itself is a white ball of healing light.

I don't think so.

This is your life, good to the last drop. It doesn't get any better than this.

This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

This isn't a seminar, and this isn't a weekend retreat. Where you are now, you can't even imagine what the bottom will be like.

Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.

Nothing is static. Everything is evolving. Everything is falling apart.

This is your life. It doesn't get any better than this. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We are all part of the same compost heap. We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

You are not your bank account.
You are not the clothes you wear.
You are not the contents of your wallet.
You are not your bowel cancer.
You are not your grandé latté.
You are not the car you drive.
You are not your fucking khakis.

You have to give up.
You have to give up.
You have to realize that someday, you are going to die. Until you know that, you are useless.

I say, let me never be complete.
I say, may I never be content.
I say, deliver me from Swedish furniture.
I say, deliver me from clever art.
I say, deliver me from clear skin and perfect teeth.
I say, you have to give up.
I say, evolve, and let the chips fall where they may.

This is your life. It doesn't get any better than this. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

You have to give up.
You have to give up.

-- Fight Club soundtrack - This is Your Life (featuring Tyler Durden)

Rather nihilistic, but there's some good advice in there. You can't cling to your possessions and your emotional baggage and hope to float your way at happiness. Sometimes, you just have to let go, push off, sink down, and swim your way to where you want to be.